I’m exactly the mom I said I never wanted to be

As I was getting myself and the kids ready for school today I realized that I am exactly the type of mom I always said I would never be.

I’ll be honest. I judged all moms before I became one.  I’ve had a lot of moms to look up to, and unfortunately judge.  Whether they be family, friends, or co-workers.. in the back of my mind, I took note of the little things they did, that I thought were something I wouldn’t do when I became a mom.

I remember talking to one of my sisters on the phone.  I was trying to speak with her about something. I can’t remember the details anymore, but I remember her kid was crying in the phone.  She kept moving her mouth away from the phone to either shush the crying baby, or say something, and sometimes yell, at her other child.

I also remember thinking… “I am NOT going to do that when I become a mom”.   I was a naive teenager and thought it was so annoying that my sister would call me, then spend most of the time on the phone dealing with her kids.

Now, 15 years later… I AM that mom.

I can’t even be on a phone for 30 seconds before my kids gang up on each other and World War III is on the verge, one needs medical attention, or the other needs their diaper changed due to a massive blowout.

I always thought that I would be the type of mom who didn’t yell at her kids, house was always clean, definitely didn’t stay up late cleaning the house, ate healthy whole meals, kids were always on time to school, children sat neatly in our row at church, and I didn’t bring my kids out in public in their pajamas because of “said on-time” aspect…  (I do however manage to shower every day, but that’s because I can’t fully wake up until I shower each day, and I tend to neglect my kids and let them watch TV for at least a little while each day. LOL!)

Okay, truth be told, I probably let them watch too much TV throughout the day, and I don’t always feed them the best and most healthy meals.  Dinner may not always served at the table, but my kids are happy, and we are growing, and learning together. Sometimes those lessons are quick and easy, others are hard, very hard, and my heart aches as a mom.

So today when I walked out the door in a baseball cap and leggings, 10 minutes behind schedule, and 1 kid still in jammies, I realized I AM exactly the mom I never wanted to be, and always said I would never be.   But, I am so happy that I am NOT the mom who I thought I would be.  My expectations of motherhood were unrealistic.  I judged other moms, including my family members, because I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what motherhood was all about.

I didn’t know that moms stay up to all hours of the night to clean to the house, because it’s the only time that the kids won’t destroy the freshly folded basket of clothing, or make a mess the second after they wake up.  I didn’t know that after moms finally go to bed that they wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a crying child who doesn’t feel well, fell out of the bed, or who just had a bad dream. I didn’t realize that the reason we were never on time places, was because mom was exhausted.  I didn’t know that the reason the house was never clean was because of ME as a kid. That while my mom was trying to make dinner, or even go to the bathroom alone for goodness sake, I was in the other room making a bigger mess.

Now that I am a mom, I’m exactly the mom I never wanted to be, but I am exactly the mom I was meant to be.  Heavenly Father has an interesting way of teaching us things in life. I’m so glad that my perspective has changed, and what a humbling experience it has been so far. I love my boys. They are the world to me, even while they make disasters on the living room floor or their bedroom, I love them.   I’m not a perfect mom whatsoever, I make my fair share of mistakes, my life is chaotic, and crazy.  But….  it’s MINE and I am so grateful for that!

-Lizzie